Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
