Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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