So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
