well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize