I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
