Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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