I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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