I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
