my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
