My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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