Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
