I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
There's always time for handjobs
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
