Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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