This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
So. Much. Porn.
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