I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Houston, we have a squirter
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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