You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
