So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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