There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize