I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
