having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize