Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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