so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
