He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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