I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize