I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
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