He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
