people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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