i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
