I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
