Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
