I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
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