The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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