Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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