i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
