I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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