new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
