Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
