just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
PANTIES FOUND
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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