The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
