please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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