My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
