Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize