i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
