my mouth tastes like poor choices
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
wow bdsm is so cute
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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