omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
