Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
