pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
