I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
