guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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