in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
