I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You are a genius and a whore.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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