I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My cat gives me a boner
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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