Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
