Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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