My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
