so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
