I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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