dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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