just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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