I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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