I need to stop coming to work sober
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Randomize
