life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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