just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
My vagina is very pro this idea
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
