i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
